Yes. It's April, 2017. I've been reading literature about how to endure torture. Give up hope. Give up your sanity. And remain aloof. So I've been doing everything "right" for about three decades. But that is supposing the torture will end at some point, either in death, or, although unlikely, in freedom. Nothing is said about lifelong torture. I realized recently that I'm not only aloof, but have become quite dissociative. It is simply the survival instinct, which is a bitch, nevertheless, there it is.
Last week I was in the Foothills Hospital. I couldn't speak, could barely move, and could hear people talking over me rather than listening to me. I was trying with all my might to scream "No! This is something different! This is not about chronic issues! Something happened!" But no one would listen. They heard only incoherence and nonsensical mumblings. I suppose it's like being operated on when the anesthetic didn't take, but you're paralyzed and can't say anything. They gave me a ketamine infusion which only made the pounding worse, but I was paralyzed so at least it gave me a bit of relief.
The jack hammering started worsening in November and continued to increase in its severity till it culminated in that floaty feeling from hypoxia when you feel like you're looking down from above, in and out of consciousness. Although I am not at all afraid of death, it still scared me. I guess I wanted to say goodbye. So an ambulance arrived and next thing I know I'm under migraine inducing lights in a hospital trying desperately to shout. So I didn't get any help and was sent home, paralyzed. "Home", being a couchsurfing host where I had been staying but had left the day before. The young couple was sympathetic but they couldn't take care of me. John lied to them, told them I was fine, left me like that and flew home to Ottawa (so he said anyway.... more on that later....). Needless to say, I ended up back in the hospital after putting out an SOS on Facebook. This time they listened. Eventually it was discovered that my kidneys are failing. At last! Something tangible! I could almost laugh with utter joy!
Still, I am now homeless. This is what happens when you're sick. You're aloof out of self preservation so your friends drop away and forget you. Eventually you find yourself with no place to live and no one to even ask for help.
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