Sunday, July 31, 2016

Can't keep going.... something's got to give!


I can't, just can't keep going like this.  Eventually I will swallow several lethal doses of everything I've been saving for moments like I've been having every single moment of the past - I never know how many to say - years - decades, about three plus.  Can't keep going.  Something has to give. So I stop eating.  All I know is that I don't feel as bad when I don't eat.  It's been this way for nearly 40 years.  After I left home at 17, I just got into the habit of eating a small meal once a day, or more like a nibble, once a day.  I didn't get so tired.  I could function better, not like everyone else, but I could stay under the radar at least, and pass as relatively normal.  So, as much as I know eating real food is the key to getting well, I won't live to get well if the agony is this profound.  So today I ate half an apple and half a piece of sprouted bread toast with peanut butter.  I could have, should have, skipped the toast.  

Felt horrible waking up, like my brain was full of mould, aching everywhere, and dammit, my heating blanket is dead.  But once I finally flopped myself out of bed and into the bathtub, I was ready to find that ENORMOUS little spider that I'd seen earlier in the shadows.  The bedding came off, the mattress swept, the



cracks and crevices in the boards and storage space under the mattress vacuumed, everything into the washing machine, bucket of warm water and everything in my room wiped down..... NO SPIDER!!!!  Just a ton of dog hair, dog food, dog toys, and a dog collar, and also the little white and brown chihuahua waiting, confused, worried for his space on the bed to get put back together.  It was suggested on Facebook that maybe the "spider" was just a cluster of dog hair creepily floating by in the shadows of the early morning.  I acquiesed to the suggestion, knowing very well there was a spider! A big one! (biggish, you know, like, not small, not tiny, but too big to be creeping around my space)!

I took half a Vyvanse about half hour before starting the arachnid search.  And without food, I was able to keep going for five hours before I realized how much time had gone by and I hadn't been desperate to knock myself out!  And I was still going!  Yes, my back hurt, but you must understand this kind of desperation, the agony, the profuse, and diffuse pain, normally wracking my entire body.  And today it wasn't there, just the "normal" back pain - the back pain about which, at age 24 I remember sighing to myself, "well, I guess I finally, (FINALLY, at age 24!) have to admit I have a back problem.  I didn't eat today. That's all.  I am so allergic to food - Leaky Gut Syndrome - that fasting for a month actually gives me energy!  They say you must be super spiritually charged to be an "autotroph" or whatever you want to call those people who say they get their nourishment solely from breathing and a little water.  Hey, maybe I am.  Seriously.  Maybe.  Maybe not too...  I mean, I try not to use that suspicious word, "spiritual" - doesn't it sound sort of arrogant?  Or in my language, "Poofy"?

It is 12:22 a.m. and I have to force myself to stop. That's how non-bad I feel!  I can't upload the videos waiting in queue because I'll run us out of internet usage again.  And I don't go to Tim Horton's for their free wifi because I don't do caffeine or doughnuts or sit, although I may give it a trial whirl.  Or something.

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